Father's Day can be complicated and yucky on social media
The stock image of dad throwing a football has got to go
Quick reminder that The Sicilian Inheritance isn’t just for moms. Dads can ignore their children at the public pool as well AND get the f—- off of their phones while reading the BOOK OF THE SUMMER.
Grab one for a hot dad in your life today.
I don’t really remember what we did for Father’s Day when I was growing up. I think the not remembering is telling. My dad was a great guy…..and less of a great dad or husband. He probably went off to golf on Father’s Day and then went to the bar with his buddies.
These days Father’s Day is sort of a bigger deal in our house, but we don’t go too all out for Hallmark holidays here. I am much more of a “how about we try to make all of the days fun and awesome” instead of a “once a year you get a clap on the back” kind of spouse and mom.
I had some fun things in my head for this Father’s Day. A girlfriend and I were going to do a scavenger hunt to a couple of different restaurant/pubs for our husbands and then have a BBQ. But the week got busy so we will see what we can pull off. Maybe there will be Pickleball. LOVE YOU NICK ASTER.
But a lot of you have been writing to me to tell me that social media makes you feel like absolute shit on Father’s Day. Sometimes this is because you lost your own dad or you had a crappy dad or because you are a single mom or because you secretly despise your own husband. All of these things are valid.
And I asked one of you to anonymously explain how social media makes you feel less than and uncomfortable during this weird day and the response was so eye-opening. I also think one of the best things to constantly remind ourselves (a thing that I know is hard) is that social media IS NOT REAL LIFE). It isn’t even the kind of life people want to be living. It is more often than not the life they THINK they should be living.
I really appreciated the honesty and candor of this note from one of our readers and listeners.
Social media continues to paint fathers as the "all around good guy" who takes his kids fishing, teaches them how to throw a football/baseball, and grills burgers for the family. It perpetuates the stereotype of the fun dad who does fun stuff for the kids and family. The three examples I gave are activities that are done occasionally, often on evenings and weekends. Social media rarely shows dads doing the invisible care work that is typically "women's work" such as caring for a fussy baby, washing the dishes, putting little ones to bed. There's one account (of course I can't remember his name) of a dad discussing choosing an outfit with his 4 or 5 month old daughter and it is just the BEST thing on IG. IMO he portrays strength and kindness and that's WAY sexier than throwing a football.
I really noticed it when the IG algorithm started feeding me so many ads for Father's Day and now that my feed is mostly those ads I'm just staying off social media, esp IG and FB until after Father's Day. I'm like wtf is up with the algorithm? I'm divorced, my kids are grown, and my dad died in 2008. I literally am not buying a Father's Day gift for anyone.
Companies make it so much worse by leaning into the Father's Day stereotypes. On one hand, many big companies are supporting Pride month and LGBTQ+ people, which is awesome. And on the other hand we're STILL being sold a 1950s version of what a father is/what a family is. Please, please show an ad of a dad who knows the name of his kids' pediatrician and the name(s) of their teachers. Show a dad who gets a call from school that their kid is sick and needs to be picked up early and he does it without his wife being involved. Show a dad who plans summer childcare.
Tell me about some of the triggers for you on social media:
So many things here. My ex-husband was verbally and emotionally abusive to me but was ok (not great) with the kids when we were married. He prioritized his well-being and his hobbies over the kids and me. After we split and I stopped "managing" his relationships with the kids, he was verbally and emotionally abusive to them, including calling our 15 year old a "fucking prick" and regularly screaming at him about his grades (mostly As and Bs and a C in English). He'd yell at our daughter for not answering her phone or texting him when SHE WAS IN SCHOOL, or at field hockey practice when she literally DID NOT HAVE A PHONE.
He had an affair when we were married and used his custody time to leave our kids alone at his sad dad apartment (they were 12 and 14 years old) so he could drive 2 hours (one way) to spend time with his girlfriend and HER son. I only found out about this a year ago. So for me, any time I see anything on social media about how great all dads are, and how they care for their kids, and how they are the 'head' of their families I want to throw my phone out the window because it's bullshit.
Single moms are often not OK. We are expected to do ALL the things—raise kids, work a good job, and be present at school events and activities. We acutely feel the lack of a social safety net in the US.
Talk to the moms who raising boys. I ask myself what can I do to raise a man who treats women well. How do I raise my son to do his laundry (he does), empty the dishwasher, (about 50-50 here), clean up after himself and gets shit done without being asked or nagged? It's still very much a work in progress but any single mom I know who is raising boys is trying to raise good, kind, decent men.
The respondant is exactly right. Fathers and husbands, in the advertising eye, only do "manly" things, even in 2024. The most we get of a more caring dad is like... holding a baby.
I have a good one- spouse, father to my kids- who actually does get at least half the calls from school or childcare, who coordinates gymnastics lessons, who has no problem flying solo or schlepping kids to practices or the park a couple times a week or more so I can go to the gym after work or participate in civic city stuff.
And all that is sexy! That is what I'm grateful for! Not grilling-football-bike-fixing. Advertisers so desperately do not want to get on the wrong side of guys who think anything more than a second long hug is unmasculine that they're stuck.
Because they're stuck, so many of us are, too.