How to be a friend

How I've failed, what I've learned and what I want to be better at

Hiiiii from the Catskills where I am attempting to unplug as much as possible and hang with friends and the family. I also did a massive cleaning out of the cabin today and started reimagining the kitchen up here. I’ll share the renovation once we get started (probably behind the paywall because I am working on more premium content).

The other night we camped out to watch the Perseids shower.

And then we ended up seeing an unidentified flying object (that was later identified as a rocket). The entire experience led to a rollicking discussion with the kids about aliens, whether they exist, what they would be like and what we would all do if this was the last night before an actual alien invasion. (Would LOVE to hear your thoughts on that in the comments below).

Today's newsletter is a little bit of a stream of consciousness ramble because I've been spending a lot of time up here thinking about friendship. And you know what? I have THOUGHTS.

Friendships Happen When You Least Expect Them

I am coming up on my five year anniversary of being friends with our buddies up here. It is a truth rarely acknowledged that the best friendships often start in the most random moments. I was introduced to our friends Steven and Casey by like seven different people (because the world is small) but we gelled because during the dark pandemic winter we brought our four very small kids outside and put them in a wheelbarrow with skis and drank beers around a campfire. And now I cannot imagine my life without them.

Or sometimes you start a friendship with that school mom you’ve been eyeing for years because you make the exact same sarcastic comment at the same time during drop off. These are the starts to things where you’re just authentically yourself and someone else recognizes that and thinks, "Yeah this is my person, I would wake up at 8 am, start yelling at my kids and ask them to come over for a martini whenever they’re ready.”

But They Also Require a Lot of Work and Effort

Unlike romantic relationships where there are clear expectations and milestones, friendships exist in this weird gray area where you're supposed to just figure it out. I wrote about this a little while back.

Are Friendship Breakups Harder Than Romantic Breakups?

It's remembering the important stuff like parent doctor appointments, the thing that annoys them most about their spouse, the fact that they hate small confined spaces and indoor pools when you’re planning a trip together. It’s making photo albums of the two of you just because or sending them a digital frame already loaded with pics of your families together. It’s keeping plans, sending texts, making calls. It's showing up, literally and figuratively.

The Best Hangs Are Usually the Lowest of Low Key Ones

This week a friend asked me if I wanted to drive to her MRI with her just so we could have alone time in the car. The answer was obviously yes. The magic happens in unstructured moments when you least expect it. And the truth is we really are busy people, so multitasking friend hangs is truly my jam lately.

I keep a running text chain to my friends of what I am doing and where I am going not out of any sense of obligation but just in case they’re nearby and want to join. And you know what? Half the time someone shows up.

For this weekend only I am reintroducing a one year free gift of this substack when you buy a new copy of Everyone is Lying to You for you or a friend. Keep spreading the word and leaving all the good reviews. It helps so much and keeps this book going.

Here is the Amazon link. I know it is often the easiest one. This is a list of more purchasing options, but it is also available at a lot of indie bookstores. Keep the orders coming!!!