Let's Destroy the Myth of the "GOOD" Mother

You're already good...I promise

You’re a good mom.

Did you need to hear that today? I did. I had to lock my daughter out of my bathroom so I could poop alone this morning and then I felt like a bad mom.

But I’m not. I just want to poop by myself.

I think we need to be reminded that we are absolutely good enough parents for our kids because society and social media make us feel like we are failing a lot of the time. That’s why I love this new book The Good Mother Myth by Nancy Reddy and we are going to chat with her on Under the Influence and here in the newsletter today.

But first a couple of announcements. I will be at BOOKED in Chestnut Hill in Philly next Friday to celebrate the launch of Jane Costello’s It’s Getting Hot in Here. There will be a lot of hot Sicilians there too. Join me if you’re in the area. Event info here.

Remember to claim your state by preordering Everyone is Lying to You from an indie bookstore. Let’s get it in all fifty states as early as possible. Check out the spreadsheet here and you can also add a different indie if you have one you prefer. The goal is to get bookstores excited about this one as early as possible. We have 20 states so far.

CLAIM YOUR STATE HERE

You can also order it anywhere books are sold. I know it is annoying to ask but getting the orders up now means more retailers will order more stock and then we all get to talk about tradwives and dismantling the patriarchy which is a real damn win. If you need to explain it to a friend in one sentence…”an addicting romp where tradwives revolt and murder their terrible husbands…”

Now let’s talk about good moms and good enough moms and moms who just want to poop alone.

The image of the perfect mother haunts most of it. You know what I’m talking about, the eternally patient, constantly available woman who somehow manages to juggle career success with homemade baby food, impeccable housekeeping skills and the ability to raise chickens.

The "good mother" ideal is a modern construct (mostly created by men but often perpetuated by women) and it’s one that’s become increasingly toxic in our social media age. We see carefully curated glimpses of motherhood that make us question our own abilities and choices. This constant pressure to be the perfect mother while maintaining a successful career and picture-perfect home isn't just unrealistic - it's fucking harmful.

Nancy Reddy’s journey into motherhood mirrors mine in a lot of ways. Like many of us who came of age in the 80s, she imagined seamlessly combining a successful career with attachment parenting and homemade organic baby food. We WOULD BE Diane Keaton at the end of Baby Boom.

The reality proved far different for both of us. We’re all pretty much Diane Keaton at the beginning of Baby Boom. Or Tom Selleck and Steve Guttenberg at the beginning of Three Men and a Baby.

Mothering is hard. Equal marriage doesn’t really exist. Life gets messy and painful. And it’s also awesome a lot of the time, but it is far from perfect and it is far from easy.

Nancy decided to dig into the myths around motherhood.

You can listen to us talk about it on UTI here.

Through her research she uncovered fascinating insights into how we arrived at these impossible standards. Take Harry Harlow's famous cloth mother studies - experiments on monkeys that supposedly proved babies need constant maternal presence.

Yet a closer look revealed these studies actually suggested that fathers are equally capable of providing care, and that social interaction with peers might be more important than constant maternal attention. Yet those are the not aspects of the study that have been glamorized and promoted over the years. This reality check feels particularly relevant as we navigate modern parenting trends like attachment parenting which often create more pressure than solutions.

Also NO ONE WANTS A WIRE MOM. Monkeys and babies like soft things.

The truth is, we were also never meant to parent in isolation. Anthropologist Margaret Mead's research showed that across cultures, children thrive when cared for by multiple loving adults - not just their mothers. This insight resonates deeply with my own experience of moving back to Philadelphia, where my children have a close-knit community of friends and neighbors. It's not about having the perfect nursery or mastering every parenting technique. It's about creating support systems that help both parents and children thrive.

What's the solution? While policy changes like affordable childcare and parental leave are crucial, they're likely years away. The immediate change needs to come from us, from mothers willing to challenge these oppressive standards. It means letting go of the idea that we must do everything perfectly, or even that we must do everything at all.

The good mother isn't a real person, OK. She's a construct of capitalism, designed to sell laundry detergent and organic baby food. By calling out this myth as massive horseshit we might be able find more joy in motherhood and raise kids who are truly equipped for the real world, unlike those helicopter raised robots who can’t function on their own.

Q&A with Nancy Ready

Q: What did you think a good mother was before becoming one?

A: I had this dreamy idea that a good mother would be totally devoted to her kids, inherently know how to comfort them, make all their food from scratch, and simultaneously kill it at work. Growing up with a working single mom in the 80s shaped my expectation that combining career and motherhood was not just possible but necessary.

Q: How did reality compare to those expectations?

A: Everything fell apart almost immediately after getting home from the hospital. Despite initial success with nursing, the reality of constant demands and physical exhaustion was overwhelming. The dreamy experience I'd imagined gave way to a much messier, more challenging reality.