My Nighttime Routine

Work, mom, pass out, repeat

A couple of months ago I shared my morning routine with you guys after I had read a lot of total bullshit morning routines from other women on social media and in magazine profiles. I’ve seen a bunch of nighttime routines recently too. These mostly talk about calming the body for sleep, about good sleep “hygiene” and preparing for rest.

Bahahahahahahahaha.

We’re going through a sleep regression and jet lag recovery in my house right now so the hours between five and ten are fucking chaos for everyone. But even on a normal evening things never go according to plan.

When I had my first kid I was very into creating a routine for him. We starting speaking in soothing voices about two hours before bedtime. We gave him a bath in tepid water and then rubbed lotion and organic baby oil on his little limbs all while singing a sleep song we had composed explicitly for him. I am not shitting you. We wrote a goddamn song.

We read him a book, I rocked him, fed him, sang again, read again. When he got older we said good night to each of his stuffies, read five books and essentially performed an opera for him.

We didn’t do that with number 2.

Number 3? She literally falls asleep somewhere in the house at some point while we are doing other things.

Bedtimes at our house vacillate between 7 and 9:30. The middle one goes up first because she will inevitably come downstairs nineteen times. Before my husband goes up to bed with her he looks over at me and says, “hey tonight we will maybe watch a TV show?” to which I respond, “definitely.” He returns about a half hour later looking as though he has just been tortured by navy seals. Our three and a half year old emerges and screams SOMEONE HANG OUT WITH ME IN THE BATHROOM three times.

My husband limps back upstairs.

I try to do something constructive with my six year old like sort rocks and minerals in a STEAM kit or play cards or read a chapter book. But lately that time has devolved into us just watching IS IT CAKE. We love IS IT CAKE, or more aptly we like the beginning and the end of IS IT CAKE? The parts where you know, you find out if it is cake. We usually fast forward through the cooking which I know some people really enjoy. We just want to know if its cake.

When my husband returns he looks at me like a man who has just been told his dog died. “Too tired to watch anything,” he mumbles.

“That’s OK,” I reply. “I’ve watched a lot of Is it Cake?”

My big kid usually sends himself to bed now which is nice, but he also wants one of us to lay on the couch and talk about life’s esoteric questions with him, most of them having to do with geological time and the expansion of the universe.

My husband is often asleep by the time I get upstairs. I don’t blame him. Torture victims need their rest. I usually wash my face with whatever soap or cleanser is on the counter (often the samples of Cetafil I take from the pediatricians office) and sometimes I put on a moisturizer that Glynnis got me in France that is nearly running out (reminder to Glynnis…go to French pharmacy this week in Paris). Then I search the bed area for my sleep mask for about fifteen minutes because it always ends up somewhere weird. I scroll through my phone for no good reason and attempt to read a book. I either fall asleep one page in or I end up reading for two hours which is terrible since the baby will inevitably wake up an hour after I fall asleep. I need to give myself more reading time during the day, but even though books are my job reading during the day still feels like a luxury.

I usually fall asleep with the light on which is fine for me because I will eventually pull down my sleep mask but really sucks for my husband.

I wake up with one or more children in the bed and I usually have no idea how they got there.

And that’s all she wrote. That’s one kind of night. We have a multiverse of different versions of that. Some better, some worse, but none involve a seven-step skincare routine, limiting screen time, scented candles or meditation.

How about you?