My Thoughts on #TradWives

So many of them.....

#TradWives, influencers on social media who claim to be submissive to their husbands and often portray various versions of “traditional” domestic gender roles are growing in number every single day.

Millions of content consumers watch their videos on TikTok and Instagram.

If you haven’t come across a tradwife before (shorthand for traditional wife) they essentially all look like Betty Draper in Season One of Mad Men.

I’ve been digging into this strange rabbit hole of social media for about a year now and a few months ago I was quoted in a Katie Couric news piece about #TradWives.

This is what I said:

To Jo Piazza, author and host of a podcast about influencer moms called Under the Influence, the timing makes sense. “The world is a disaster right now in every possible way. And there has been a real trend toward nostalgia because people often find it comforting,” she tells Katie Couric Media. “The thing is this nostalgia for a ‘better’ time is often obscenely misplaced.”

Piazza compares it to other sweeping trends in media. “We see women who leave big city jobs to work on farms but completely leave out the bone- and soul-crushing realities of working as a farmer to make a true living wage. Similarly, we see nostalgia for the 1950s housewife, a la Betty Draper, that ignores the stifling limitations put on women in the 50s like not being able to get a credit card or having to submit to their husbands without question,” Piazza points out.

Now I frequently get asked to talk about the strange phenomenon (because journalists love a google search) and I recently chatted with USA Today about the subject too. My favorite part of this story is the video in which I am wearing my frilliest #tradwife shirt but no pants because the baby had recently thrown up on them. That’s the reality of domestic labor my friends. It is not perfect beach waves.

Journalist and author Jo Piazza believes there are aspects of the trad wife aesthetic that can be harmful to young, impressionable girls. The purported '50s sitcom lifestyle was just that: a television ideal more than a real-life one.

"It's a false nostalgia for a time that didn't exist for the majority of the population, and for a time that was incredibly demeaning, condescending and difficult for women," she says.

Piazza appreciates that women can make the choice to solely be caregivers and homemakers. Where it goes awry, she says, is that trad wives make it seem like their choice is superior. Williams, for her part, says she's just living her life and not trying to change anyone else's.

Piazza explains, "I do like the idea that we are elevating the kinds of work that women do in the home to something that we do want to see, to something that is aspirational. The dangers in that are when you say, 'this is the only thing a woman should be doing, this is the only role that a woman should be playing.'"

And Piazza worries about the influence these women have, especially following the rollback of Roe V. Wade as as the election nears.

"If we cling to this false nostalgia where women had it incredibly hard, where women did not have agency or autonomy, we could roll back the laws that gave women that independence without even realizing what we're doing," Piazza adds.

Here’s the thing. I don’t actually give a damn if someone wants to play dress-up and service their husband. I do wish they’d shut up about it. I do care when they start spouting off about how this choice is a new offshoot of feminism. That’s simply plain wrong and delusional.

After doing about a dozen interviews with trad wives there is a part of me that thinks I understand WHY some these women are doing it.

So many of us are hungry for an identity these days. Many of us find that identity through our digital brands and through the likes and affirmations we get online. The women in the #tradwife community just seem desperate to be a part of something, to be recognized for their efforts in the home and the domestic space. In a lot of ways this is a costume they are putting on. This is a performance. This is a way of saying HEY PAY ATTENTION TO ME I AM DOING SOMETHING THAT HAS MEANING.

Jobs used to give many of us a sense of identity. But frankly the corporate workplace beat women down so badly and sucked so much joy out of work that many of us don’t want to craft an identity around our job title or where we work any more. I used to be proud to say I worked at The Daily News or at Yahoo or at any of the many media companies I worked for that have disintegrated over the past decade largely BECAUSE of irresponsible social media companies. Now I find my purpose mostly in writing books and making podcasts. It’s an absolute privilege that I am able to make money doing those things (though with the influx of celebrities into the podcast world we will see how long it lasts). I also find purpose in being a mother and that is something I regularly write about.

But EVERYONE wants to feel like what they do matters. Trad wives are shouting from the rooftops about the work they do in the home because they want to be recognized just like everyone else. But here is something we need to remember. At least a part of this truly is a performance. They also know very well that images of sexy women with perky boobs in tight dresses do very well with the Instagram algorithm. Extra points if they’re blonde. And maybe even more points if they’re doing laundry or scrubbing a floor (fuck the algorithm). These women aren’t dumb. They know how to play the system to get the attention that gets them the likes that fills them with purpose and meaning.

Sigh.

My biggest fear is broadcasting these images to a generation of young women who I hope will find meaning outside of serving a partner and painting their faces to resemble a sitcom character.

We will have to wait and see.

In the meantime you can read more about #tradwives here, here and here.

For me, I prefer equality in a marriage to any single spouse serving the other one, but to each their own. I have to go put on some pants now.