Reclaiming Boyhood: A Pastor's Guide to Saving Our Sons from Toxic Masculinity

Plus how the tradwife fetish can make life harder for men

Photo by Robert Collins on Unsplash

As the mom of a boy child, I think so much about what it takes to raise good men. This quote from Gloria Steinem also takes up a lot of space in my brain:

"Though we have the courage to raise our daughters more like our sons, we've rarely had the courage to raise our sons like our daughters."

Every time I read these words, I feel their weight and truth. I find myself nodding in recognition, then pausing to consider what this really means for my son and for all our sons.

Raising any child is fraught with its own challenges and pitfalls. I think many parents have done an incredibly good job of raising our daughters more like our sons over the last thirty years—encouraging independence, ambition, strength, and confidence. We've bought them trucks alongside dolls, cheered when they climbed trees, and told them they could be astronauts and CEOs.

But what about raising our sons like daughters? Or rather, raising boys to embrace empathy, caregiving, and emotional vulnerability—among many other qualities that were historically relegated to the realm of the "feminine"? Have we been as intentional about teaching our boys to express their feelings, to nurture others, to seek help when they need it?

In a world where shows like "Adolescence" depict how toxic online spaces can radicalize young boys, I feel an increasing urgency to talk about the dangerous rabbit holes our sons can fall into. From Andrew Tate's harmful digital messaging to unregulated forums on gaming websites, Reddit, and really all over the web, our boys are being targeted with messages about masculinity that are often reductive, harmful, and disconnected from the qualities that create good men and good humans.

But this newsletter isn't just about danger. It's about hope.

If we understand what's happening to our boys—both the external forces influencing them and their internal experiences—we can begin to change it. We can create spaces where boys feel safe expressing vulnerability, where they learn that strength isn't measured by dominance but by character, and where they develop the emotional intelligence to navigate a complex world.

This week, I had an incredibly timely conversation with Reverend Angela Denker, author of "Disciples of White Jesus: The Radicalization of American Boyhood." Her insights were both challenging and illuminating, offering a pathway through the thicket of concerns many of us have about raising boys today. You can listen to our full discussion on Under the Influence below.

Her book begins with two stark truths: white boys and men are dangerous, and white boys and men are struggling. Both statements are accurate. White men make up the majority of mass shooters in America but also die by suicide at higher rates than any other group. These twin realities demand our attention not just as parents but as a society.

What I appreciate most about Denker's approach is that she doesn't demonize boys or men. Instead, she asks us to consider the systems and messages that shape them, and to imagine what might be possible if we offered our sons different models of masculinity—ones that don't require them to suppress their emotions, dominate others, or prove their worth through aggression.

I know I don't have all the answers. Some days, I feel like I barely have any. But I'm committed to asking better questions, to listening more deeply to my son, and to creating space for him to become fully himself—not just the limited version of masculinity that our culture too often prescribes.

What about you? How are you navigating these waters with the boys in your life? I'd love to hear your thoughts, challenges, and triumphs as we work together to raise a generation of young men who are both strong and gentle, confident and compassionate.

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Q: Let's talk about the religious aspect first. How has religion shifted in its influence on gender roles, particularly for those who don't even attend church?

A: Religion has shifted, and the church certainly has shifted, from its central role in society. At the same time, these messages about gender roles that originate in what we call the Christian patriarchy have a huge influence culturally, even on people who don't go to church. Maybe especially on people who don't go to church because they're not hearing the authentic message of the gospel. Instead, they're only hearing cultural messages rooted in ancient patriarchal theology that comes from fundamentalism. It doesn't come from Jesus.

Q: I think the media has always had a problem covering religion properly. Is that part of the issue?

A: We've erected a wall in national secular media spaces between religion and everyday conversation. And that's analogous to what I see happening for young white men and boys. Because of that wall, there's not a lot of detailed, in-depth coverage of what's happening. There are wonderful religion reporters working, but in general, it's an undercovered space that tends to be looked at as a spectacle—"Oh, look at these crazy Christians"—instead of understanding the difference between authentic religious practice and what's often a grift.

Q: Let's cut to the heart of it. What's happening to our boys? Why are they being radicalized?

A: In progressive spaces, there's been a reaction that whenever you start to talk about white men and boys, there's almost this knee-jerk response of "Well, we don't need to talk about them. They've had their turn." What that's done is create a vacuum where there's a dearth of content about masculinity, about what it means to be a man, about manhood itself in progressive or even just normal secular media spaces.

So when boys like our sons go online and look up "What does it mean to be a man?" or "How do I think about dating?" or "How do I get bigger muscles?"—immediately they're drawn toward extreme corners of the internet. They're brought in because there's this vacuum of alternative content about different forms of masculinity.

"I want to invite people to see themselves in that which we might initially abhor because it's not until we are able to see ourselves that we're able to heal it. This is a problem that needs an internal solution."

Q: You've talked about how the "trad wife" movement puts pressure on men to "man up." How is that affecting young men?