The Raw Milk Maid Dress Has Arrived

Oh the cows I will milk

If you’ve been on the fence about subscribing I’ve got a banger of a deal for you. Right now you can get a year of this newsletter FREE when you purchase a copy of EVERYONE IS LYING TO YOU (the greatest tradwife thriller of all time) this month. New purchases only. You can send me your receipt at the link below. This is a list of purchasing options, but it is also available at a lot of indie bookstores and you can get signed copies mailed to you here and here.

This morning our wonderful mailman Tom interrupted my diligent close read of the new Vanity Fair profile of Queen Gwyneth Paltrow to deliver a package that I have been waiting for FOR MONTHS. Yes, Evie magazine’s RAW MILKMAID dress has arrived.

More on Gwynnie later, but I will leave you salivating with this gem about doing it onscreen with Timothy Chalemet:

“There’s now something called an intimacy coordinator, which I did not know existed,” she says. When Marty Supreme’s intimacy coordinator asked Paltrow if she’d be okay with a particular move, “I was like, ‘Girl, I’m from the era where you get naked, you get in bed, the camera’s on.’ ”

Back to the dress.

The Raw Milk Maid dress was delivered in a Victoria’s Secret pink (my nineties ladies know the exact color) box tied with a jaunty pink bow.

A note on the tag reads:

Designed in the French countryside and inspired by the hardworking dairymaids of 18th-century Europe, The Raw Milkmaid Dress is handmade from luxurious organic cotton and 100% feminine energy. Featuring a flattering corset bodice that cinches the waist beautifully, with a scooped neckline and drawstring, delicate boning, dainty buttons, a side zipper, and adjustable lace-up back for a custom fit. The romantic puff sleeves can be styled on or off the shoulders. The fully lined midi skirt has hidden pockets and a flirty slit above the knee.

To be honest, the pockets are a really nice touch.

It’s a dress designed as a conservative Christian teenage boy’s fever dream, or maybe every man’s fever dream if they’re being honest with themselves. I thought my husband Nick Aster was going to laugh out loud at me as I twirled around the room like Snow White cleaning the Dwarves filthy hovel, but he weirdly liked the dress. He told me I looked nice, pretty. But I think even he was a little shocked that he liked such a ridiculous costume. To his credit he immediately recognized that the dress has very little utility in the real world beyond serving beers at Octoberfest or going on book tour for Everyone is Lying to You.

I can’t imagine where I could wear this dress in real life, though I will certainly try in the coming weeks. Get ready for it school drop off!

Though the dress has the same aesthetic footprint and flowery patterns of the now iconic nap dress, the raw milkmaid dress is the opposite of a nap dress, unless your idea of a nap is leaning precariously on a fainting couch while being fed grapes by your ladies in waiting. This is because the milkmaid dress has a very stiff corset around the waist that makes it impossible to slouch or lounge comfortably.

It reminded me in a very Proustian way of the Jessica McClintock dress I wore to my prom in 1996. I also put it on again in Covid to read fairytales to my children.

Same exact corset.

It did seem to improve my posture if you consider sucking in your waist and pushing out your boobs an improvement on posture.

I thought it was very important to document the dress for you so I created a video of me opening it, another one of Nick Aster reacting to it and a try-on video! We will also talk about the boobs of it all after the paywall. And remember, you can get the $80 yearly subscription for free when you order Everyone is Lying to You.