What Makes a Great Marriage?

PLUS A BOOK GIVEAWAY and I want to hear all your thoughts

I think so much about what makes a good marriage, a great marriage, a bad marriage, a toxic marriage.

When we all read the Ballerina Farm profile in the Times a few weeks back I got so many comments criticizing the marriage of the CEOs of the brand.

The Ballerina Farm Master Plan

I also had thoughts (so many thoughts), but I was quickly reminded that we never know what goes in in other people’s marriages AND marriage is hard and weird (also wonderful sometimes).

I have been dissected marriage ever since I got married. First with my book How to Be Married and then with my Committed podcast.

I loved hearing about how other people make marriage work. I think it’s often the only way to figure out how to make your own work. I also think there is so much wisdom in long marriages and marriages that end. That’s why I was so excited to interview the author Frances Mayes last week about the strangeness and wonder of two people saying “I do” and intertwining their lives together.

When Frances Mayes published her novel Under the Tuscan Sun in 1996, it became an instant, instant success and bestseller. That book and the subsequent movie (so obsessed with Diane Lane in that film) has empowered women for a generation now. In many ways, Frances became one of the very first offline divorce influencers. I cannot tell you how many of my friends who've been going through a divorce referenced Under the Tuscan Sun, as one of the books they read to help them get through it.

Frances is back with a brand new novel called A Great Marriage (WHICH WE ARE GIVING AWAY BELOW). I just finished it and it is a doozy. It raises incredibly provocative questions about the possibilities of a superb marriage and how does a great romance pave the way for an excellent marriage.

Frances has had two marriages of her own. Her current husband of 26 years is the one who helped her restore her iconic Tuscan villa. And she also grew up under what she calls the tornado skies of her parents' marriage. I love, love, love this quote from her new novel:

"You can hammer out a good marriage. Great is a whole other thing. Boiled down, way down, a great marriage happens when two people are big enough to want more for the partner than they want for themselves. Not just as much. More.”

Francis has such great insight into a marriage. I loved these two thoughts from her:

1. Allow Space for Personal Growth: Support each other's individual ambitions and goals. In Frances's experience, not having her own space and goals prioritized was a significant issue in her first marriage, which she rectified in her second marriage by marrying someone who valued her aspirations.

2. Cherish the Journey: Recognize that a great marriage isn't just about the grand gestures but also about everyday acts of kindness and consideration. Cherishing these small moments helps in building a strong foundation.

I’ve only been married for just under a decade, but I have figured some things out by reporting about marriage in more than twenty countries. The most important things that I learned that I use now are about how to keep a marriage thriving after kids.

All of that below AND a giveaway of A Great Marriage (COMMENT GREAT) and How to Be Married (COMMENT HOW THE HELL DO I DO THIS).

I watched my own parents slog through a terrible marriage, the kind of marriage where they screamed and yelled and occasionally threw furniture across the room. It scared me as a child and shaped my own relationships as an adult. I never wanted that for my own kid. I needed my husband and I to create good habits and patterns before we started trying to get pregnant.