Why I Say No All the Time

Plus how to help victims of the L.A. wildfires

This is me after saying no to our neighborhood New Years Eve party, going to sleep for ten hours and waking up to have mulled wine and snack plates all the next day.

I get asked all the time how I juggle it all—kids (many), book writing (also many), podcasts, friendship, life etc.

The quick and dirty answer is that I’m not juggling it all. I drop balls all the time. You just don’t see them on social media as much as you see the wins. But if I could point to one thing that has helped vastly improve my mental health and my ability to keep the balls in the air in the past year, it’s saying NO to lots and lots of things. And I want to talk about that. I want to talk about how I say it, who I say it to and why it is so hard for women to just fucking say it.

But first, a couple of resources that I’ve been turning to to try to help the victims of the wildfires in Los Angeles right now. I’ve spent so much of my career traveling back and forth between L.A. and the East coast and many of my colleagues are currently there. I’ve been in touch with them and everyone is safe, but I also want to DO something, anything as I watch the terrifying news. Here are a few good organizations to work with.

American Red Cross: Provides safe shelter, food, emotional support, and health services to wildfire victims. Donate at redcross.org, call 1-800-RED CROSS, or text REDCROSS to 90999 for a $10 donation.

United Way of Greater Los Angeles: Partners with United Way of Ventura County to support long-term recovery efforts for communities affected by natural disasters.

California Fire Foundation: Offers support to firefighters, families of fallen firefighters, and wildfire victims.

Los Angeles Fire Department Foundation: Equips Los Angeles firefighters with essential supplies, including emergency shelters and hydration backpacks.

Los Angeles Regional Food Bank: Accepts food and monetary donations to support those affected by the fires..

Now let’s talk about saying NO and why it is the one major thing that completely changed my life last year. I am a yes person, a people pleaser. I want all the gold stars in all of the things. I have always raised my hand and then overdelivered.

And then in the past year I realized I had raised my hand too damn much. I was drained and burnt out. And yet I couldn’t stop saying yes until I had no choice but to stop, until I was so physically and mentally exhausted that no was the only answer.

Learning to say no wasn't a single moment of triumph, but rather a series of small, baby steps.

The first few times felt like jumping off a cliff or filling my veins with failure. But something surprising happened: the world didn't implode. Most people were more understanding than I'd thought they would be. Those who weren't – who pushed back or tried to manipulate my guilt – only proved why boundaries were necessary in the first place. Those people sucked anyway and didn’t deserve a yes.

So let’s talk about why it was so hard, how I did it without being a dick and why it makes everything so much better.